How to Ask for Feedback After a Rejection (Without Getting Defensive)
Inspired by Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss
Part 5 of 10 | Published by Open to Work Now
Rejection emails are never fun. Even the “warmest” versions - “We were impressed by your background, but…” - sting in a very personal way.
But what if we told you that rejection could actually be the starting point of a meaningful connection?
In Never Split the Difference, former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss introduces a concept that job seekers can use to turn rejection into growth: labeling.
Labeling is the skill of recognizing and naming the emotions in a conversation—especially when things get uncomfortable. It’s a powerful way to create space for honesty, trust, and even second chances.
Why Most Job Seekers Don’t Ask for Feedback
Because it’s awkward. Or worse—because we’re afraid of hearing something that confirms our insecurities.
Many candidates hit “delete” and move on. Others send an email like this:
“Thanks for letting me know. Can you share why I wasn’t selected?”
But that puts the recruiter or hiring manager on the defensive. It feels like a trap. And in today’s overscheduled hiring environment, you’re unlikely to get a real answer.
Labeling Creates a Safe Path to Feedback
Here’s what Voss teaches: if you can name the emotion, you take the sting out of it. You shift the conversation from confrontation to collaboration.
So instead of demanding feedback, try labeling what the other person might be feeling.
Let’s look at a few examples.
Instead of:
“Can you tell me why I wasn’t chosen?”
Try:
“It seems like you had a really competitive pool of candidates.”
“It sounds like I may not have been the right match for this particular role.”
“I understand it may be hard to provide individual feedback, but I’d be grateful for anything you can share to help me grow.”
This approach does three things:
Acknowledges their position – you’re not the only one with tough decisions to make.
Disarms their defensiveness – you’re not attacking or blaming.
Builds empathy – you’re showing emotional intelligence, even in disappointment.
And sometimes? That turns into a response like:
“Actually, you were a very close second—we’d love to keep your résumé on file.”
Or even:
“We didn’t move forward because of X—if that’s something you develop, I’d love to revisit this in the future.”
A Script You Can Steal
If you’re not sure what to say, try this:
Subject Line: Thank You & Quick Follow-Up
Hi [Name],
Thank you again for the opportunity to interview for the [Job Title] role. I really appreciated the chance to connect with you and learn more about [Company].
I completely understand how competitive the process can be and that it may not always be possible to provide individual feedback.
That said, if there’s anything you can share to help me improve in future interviews—or understand what stood out in other candidates; I’d be truly grateful.
Thanks again, and I hope we can cross paths again down the road.
Warmly,
[Your Name]
Why This Matters for You
At Open to Work Now, we believe job seekers deserve more than ghosting. But we also know that you’re more likely to get feedback when you show grace under pressure.
Labeling is a technique that makes space for conversation. It turns rejection into reflection. And it sends a signal: I’m emotionally intelligent, coachable, and someone worth remembering.
In a market that often forgets to treat people like people, that matters.
Next up: In Part 6, we’ll dive into one of the most powerful signals you can receive in an interview: when someone says “That’s right.” It’s a sign you’ve built rapport - and the conversation is shifting in your favor.
#StayTuned #OpenToWorkNow
